Call Me Lucy

Thanks to April Douglas as co-author on this one.


Imagine if Lucifer was really Luciferra.  It would certainly put a different spin on that myth, wouldn't it?




The chunky receptionist knocked and opened the door for Luciferra.  Davinia was already up from her desk.


Dav: "Good morning, Ms Satan."  She strongly shook the patient's hand.


Lucy: "Please, call me Lucy."  Her smile was perfect.


Dav: "Thank you.  My name is Davinia White, but my friends call me Dav. Make yourself comfortable."  The women settled themselves, Dav in her armchair before the window, Lucy in the chaise across from the therapist.


Dav: "Before we officially get started, I like to make sure we're both on the same page.  Can you tell me why you're here?"


Lucy: "Yes, well.  I have trouble with. . . relationships.  With men, you know?"


Dav: "Of course, but I like to begin with the problem clear and in the open.  Anything else?"


Lucy: "I understand.  No, nothing else."


Dav: "Good."  She added a note on her pad.  "Can you express how your problem affects you, makes you feel?"


Lucy: "Do you mean. . . that is, I feel lonely.  And pissed off."


Dav: "Nice and clear, Lucy.  One more question -- what do you want to accomplish with therapy?"


Lucy: "Honestly, I'm not sure.  Maybe less lonely?  I want to meet a guy and not run him off.  I get crazy sometimes, you know?  I want someone to like me, so I start lying, get all jealous and, boom, suddenly it goes to Hell."


Dav: "Good start!  Let's get busy.  It sounds to me as if you are projecting a previous bad relationship.  Can you tell me about that?"


Lucy: "I'm not sure about that.  Should I really?"


Dav: "Absolutely.  Start with a rant today and we can move ahead next session."  With a little more coaxing, Lucy began to speak.  Soon all hesitation disappeared.


Lucy: "Look, it's not like I want him back. I mean, why would I? He's a complete jerk! I just want a little payback, you know. And really, is there anything wrong with a little tiny plague? Did it ever REALLY harm anyone? And mayhem, there is nothing wrong with mayhem. Teach him to kick me out..."  She pouted and stretched out on the chaise before continuing. 


Lucy: "Always like a male, making it out to be all the WOMAN'S fault that the relationship failed. But let me tell you, God wasn't any angel Himself. Do you KNOW what He does with His dirty socks? DO YOU?!?! The hamper is right there! Why can't He just throw them in there? But nooooooooo, He just leaves them lying all around."  Her hands gestured more and more as Lucy talked.  A faint trace of brimstone wafted to Dav.


Lucy: "Oh, and the way He cooks! You have to use every single pot and pan we own? What, were You raised in a barn?  And the mess after Creation?  Artists are messy, I accept that, but He couldn't go out of His way to clean up after Himself, noooo.  You know what He did instead when I called Him on it?  Dark matter.  That's right, rather than clean up the universe, He just hid the crap."  Dav opened her mouth to comment, but Lucy talked over her.


Lucy: "What about that sleazy little girlfriend of His, Eve? All that BS about a companion for that total moron Adam? I know He was watching her all the time, calling her up at all hours while I was working. And then He knocked up some Jewish girl."  Lucy paused in her rant for a moment and Dav jumped in.


Dav: "Before we run out of time, tell me about the worst part of your breakup."


Lucy: "Worst part?  It was all so damned bad." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  "He called me before the throne, in front of the whole heavenly host, to tell me we were finished.  I was humiliated.  And all of our friends had to chose right then who they were with."  She sat up, tears on her cheeks.  "I vowed he'd suffer for hurting me like that.  I mean, it was Him that banned divorce, then he pulls that.  He gets the heavenly mansion and what do I get? Hell! No air conditioning, total fire hazard, and OH MY GOD the neighbors!"


Dav: "Our time is up, but we've made some good progress.  How do you feel?"




Lucy: "I'm not sure."   Lucy stood and smoothed her skirt for a thoughtful few seconds.  "Lighter, I guess.  And vengeful, very vengeful."


Dav: "Try not to act out with that.  We'll see what we can do to help with it next week."


Lucy: "Don't worry.  I know a great place to work off some hate and revenge."